Thursday, 26 May 2011

The end is still nigh, goddamit!

There has been a lot of misinformation bouncing around about the end of the world and how it was supposed to be on the 21st of May and how stupid those people who believed it were and how funny it was when it didn't happen and how even more hilarious it was to go up to the believers afterwards and say "cheer up, it's not the end of the world".

Everybody, believer or not, just needs to chill. It hasn't happened yet, but it will.

The actual date for the end of the world is the 21st of October this year, and it always has been. Harold Camping and I have been saying this for months yet nobody seems to have listened. People have simply been misinterpreting the myriad billboards posted around the world. You'll have seen them, they are the ones with a guy crapping in the corner and the seal of approval from The Bible.

Judgment Day has different meanings depending on what religion you follow. For some (the Cameronites for example), Judgment Day is the day robots become self aware, realise that humans are a threat and set about wiping them out. For others (Christians, for example), Judgment Day is the day Jesus comes back to earth and starts kicking some serious arse, the dead rise, and God lays down his final judgment (at least according to Wikipedia, and, I think, the bible, although I'm not 100% sure about that).
Revelations 42:9. And he proclaimed in an unconvincing accent, "I'll be back".

It's not the end of the world! It's the beginning of the end, but not the end. Harold Camping is still right, mostly, and if you don't pull your finger out and start praying like hell, eternal damnation awaits.

So what happened? Where were the predicted massive earthquakes around the world? Where were all the zombies I was so looking forward to chainsawing?* Where was the judgment?

Well, the good Reverend Camping has realised that God is a modern kind of guy, and all this fire and brimstone business is, like, so Old Testament. No, God has taken a different, more sophisticated approach to the End of Days.

If you live in Melbourne you will remember that the department store Myer quietly opened it's refurbished flagship in January, yet the official opening didn't happen until March. This is a common practice in retail, and is called a soft opening. It allows all of the new features to be thoroughly tested so that the official, Grand Opening then goes off without a hitch.

God has taken a similar path.

Instead of all of the bad stuff happening on the first day, and then everyone having to sit around twiddling their thumbs until October, he'll be rolling out the nasties progressively over the next few months. Perhaps a tornado or two in the United States, a zombie uprising in Prague, or me going on a murderous rampage after inadvertently catching a few minutes of the Oprah finale. Pretty much every bad thing that happens from now until the 21st of October is God warming up for the apocalypse, and you're all invited.

That is my take on it, but Harold Camping is now saying that because God is so merciful, he isn't going to do anything until the last minute and then BAM, we're all fucked.

Seriously, pull it out now.

*Please don't tell me I've been waisting my time playing video games for all these years.

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